New Traditions in Giving

When I first started knitting, I only did it for myself.  I've now decided that knitting Christmas gifts, Baby gifts, and Charity Knitting is quite satisfying as well.  I think this is a round-up of all of the knitted gifts for the year.  I'm modeling most of them and one with my husband. 

I do hope the recipients really like their gifts.  It's hard as there are so many specific washing instructions-cold water hand, warm water washer, dryer, no -dryer.  I've started telling people to just contact me when they need to wash something.  No worries on that as most accessories don't need washing but a few times a year. 
Sizing is always hard if the person isn't physically around.  And people aren't used to knowing their head measurement in cm. 
    I wanted to make some charity knitting for the St. Judes Childrens Cancer hospital, but those kids are so sick that items have to be sterile etc.  Super sad.  I'll still look into it though.  I have taken to knitting a few things for the local GA trauma bears.  We knit clothes for teddy bears and give the bear and outfit to children with abuse in the courts system.  I really do hope it gives those kids a little bit of joy.

    On a daily basis I am amazed at how blessed I am with all that I have.  Many factors have contributed to it, but there was a time in my early twenties, when I don't think I could have even conceived of being 40 years old.  What I realise now is; you start out with nothing, but along the way you keeping getting items, and as long as you keep them, eventually, you have what you need. 
     A this point now, I've got my parents, aunts, etc older people trying to give me their unneeded items as they start to downsize.  My parents, older people had some type of immortality to me as a child.  Now as a see them it's quite different and I feel sad.  People will die, and I have not been touched by that much except the standard grandparents.  It's frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it.
    I think it's the same way as well that I feel about my life and marriage.  I keep thinking of Peggy Lee's song "Is that all there is?"  I felt that having a child would bring back the life and vitality that I felt I was losing.  I never thought about continuing the blood line, why people have children, until it was no longer available to me.  I still think I want one, but it will not be part of me in that singular way.  And I know that way is the best.  All of the issues I have from genetics, will not plague this child.  I'm starting to be able to be happy for other women who are pregnant, which is nice. 
    I think about how beautiful and pretty I was in my early twenties, and yet I had such low self esteem.  I went with the first man who would have me.  And that is how I wound up, unmarried at 38.  After 5 years of therapy I finally realised that, I, get to decide who I will be with.  I started dating and met some great men, some not so good, and through all of that met my fantastic husband.  I can't help to still feel regret though that other people get to start this life much earlier on.  But then we wouldn't be who we are today, etc.
     So again I am grateful for all that I have and the love that is given to me.

Baby or No Baby

So I started trying to get pregnant in June 2010 at age 39.  I've never been pregnant before, and so my gyn. gave me a AMH test which showed a low egg reserve.  That lead to a crying spell, and then a resolve to start trying.  It also lead to my marriage as I wasn't in a hurry, but decided it would be best if I did get pregnant.  So the first few months were just regular timed intercourse with a Clearblue ovulation predictor.  I also did am temperature checks.  It appeared that I was ovulating.   August I started taking letrozole with each cyle.
After this all didn't work in October I decided to start seeing a reproductive endocrinologist.  We starting using IUI with each cycle.  In October I did get a positive pregnancy test and was really excited.  A few days later when I retested it was negative.  When I had the test at my MD office she said that I was pregnant and that it just didn't take.  If I hadn't been paying attention so closely I wouldn't have even noticed that my period was a couple of days late.

Finally in December I decided that I would have IVF.  I started this all out thinking I wouldn't go this far, but here I am.  So I thought I would be out of town during ovulation cycle in January and would start in February for IVF cycle.  I wound up being in town in January, but the regular intercourse didn't work.  So now it is February and I have started my medication for IVF.  I am on a Estrogen patch and taking a ganarelix injection x3 days.
One of the awful things that happened was I was to start a new assignment at work and due to my MD appointments needed they took me off of the assignment.  They also threatened to fire me.  Now they are making "allowances" for this month, but will re-evaluate in March.  I think if I need to do another IVF cycle they will fire me.  It's really upsetting thinking I have to make a choice between my job or trying to have a child. 
Some days I think it would be better without a child, it's what I'm used to.  But often I think about how happy it would be to have a family.  I know there are other options, but the next few I'm not thinking about until it gets to that point.  I wanted a baby with my previous boyfriend badly when I was early 30s.  Then I forgot about it.  But when I married my wonderful husband I really wanted to create something of love with him.
It's such a lesson on patience and desire for things you don't have.  Waiting for each monthly cycle and then waiting to find out if you are/aren't pregnant.  It's hard for me to think about anything else.  And other life decisions are made around this one as well.  I need to find a way to focus on other things while this is all going on.

Knitting Retreat

Went to a Mediation and Knitting retreat in Vermont earlier this year. Vermont was much more rural than I imagined. It was very pretty with the snow everywhere, but they called it the "mud" season. The snow was melting and consequently the ground had turned to mush. I stayed at a really lovely rustic B& B http://www.highlandlodge.com/. I couldn't help thinking of the movie Holiday Inn with Bing Crosby the whole time. I had planned on doing some cross-country sking, but it was too warm for that. Across the road from the lodge was a frozen lake, and there was still one ice fisherman brave enough. I didn't stay directly in the lodge, as I booked late, but in a cottage behind it. It was fine, although the bed was a bit thin and hard. I was sharing the cottage with another knitter, but it had separate bedrooms.

I had expected the marriage of Meditation and Knitting to be perfect for me. It was the weekend after my job was made redundant, so I felt like it would be great timing. Unfortunately, I did not have that good of a time due to a few factors. The age of the participants was older than me, not enough meditation, and different interests in knitting.

I knew that the knitters would be older, and they were very nice. But there wasn't that much in common. They were also knitting different types of projects and things for grandchildren. I grew a bit weary of hearing how great peoples grandkids were. There was one other knitter who was my age and we got on really well.  Interestingly her husband was from the UK, so we talked about British culture.

But mostly it was the lack of meditation that bothered me. I was expected to spend several hours of meditation a day and we only did a few minutes. The only other Buddhists were the leaders of the retreat. So it was a lot of questions about Buddhism and meditation, which I've heard many times before. I kept trying to stay in a good frame of mind about it, but really it just felt frustating.

Also I was expecting quiet and contemplation, but the women were extremely chatty. I spent the few afternoons knitting by the fireplace in the lodge which was nice. So I didn't really get the experience that I wanted. But in all things there is good and you make what you can of it. I learned that I really would rather have a real intentional sangha, where the other people are Buddhist and frequent meditators that I can learn from. Also it was a very pretty part of the country I'd not been too before.

I spent the last day by myself driving around Vermont on the way to the airport city. That last day was really fun. I went to the Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream factory tour http://www.benjerry.com/scoop-shops/factory-tours/. Awesome! Stopped and got some maple syrup, and got sugar on snow. Went to the Green Mountain coffee factory. And it was nice in general to be completely free to drive where-ever I wanted and be on my own.

Exciting thing was in the airport I met the Senator of Vermont, Bernie Sanders.  I've always liked his views so it was kinda funny that he was there waiting of a flight to Washington.  I've seen him on the Bill Maher show several times.

Father Time

I'm starting to get think about who gets what knits for Christmas. I'm gotten some small prezzies for my knitting group, that are not yarn related. I finished this beautiful scarf for my personal trainer. She likes pink and this was a quick knit. Only took about 4 days. Lovely Malabrigo yarn from Eat.Sleep.Knit.
Also the buy-out of my company is over, but not much as really even changed? Looking at new career options. Exciting news is that I'm also looking at moving to a larger really cool house.

I'm a Slow Knitter

It takes me about a month to make a worsted sweater. I've been working on this one now and I must say I love the yarn. A bit concerned as it is single ply and will probably pill. But it's so gorgeous the colors. It's Madelinetosh Pastoral in Blackcurrent from EatSleepKnit.com and the hand is fantastic.
I'm also test knitting a pattern for a friend for a felted bag project and I can't wait to see it finished. Too bad, that I'm donating it to charity, but that's actually a good thing.
I've managed to actually stay on a diet Good Measure Meals and I've lot 2 lbs. It takes a lot to stay motivated. But of course I am pleased with the progress. Also trying to get more exercise in, I can't say why I'm so resistant to that. Okay not much of an update. But isn't this yarn gorgeous!

Fijord

My latest sweater is the Lemongrass Bolero pattern with Madeline Tosh Worsted I bought at EatSleepKnit. The colorway is Fijord and I cannot possibly express how much I love this pattern, color, or yarn.
First the colorway Fijord matches everything I wear as it is all variations of blues, greens, and browns. Next the pattern is so cute and perfect for wearing over things.
Finally the yarn is so soft and cuddly and superwash!
This is my first sweater that I will absolutely wear all of the time. I just couldn't be happier. And am now motivated to start working on my next Madelinetosh project out of the Pastoral yarn which is 50-50 silk wool. Yummy.

Shrug, Boleros, Capelets, Oh, My!

So, I can finish a sweater in about a month it seems I did this one in June as part of a Dream In Color Shrug knit-a-long with the Ravelry EatSleepKnit group. This Madelinetosh yarn worsted in colorway Bungelow really could not be any softer and be 100% merino wool. The pattern was quite easy to follow, although I did have to focus. I also like the fact that you just knit a rectangle, and then with a couple of seams you have a little garment.

These types of garments are a bit strange though, because they are not what you would buy in a shop. They seem to be more popular with knitters. This being that you can make something to wear with less yarn and time than a full-on cardi or jumper. This only took two skeins of wool. I'm also not sure how figure flattering they are on heavier women as it stops above the mid-section. Does this then enhance the stomach? Regardless I will keep making them because I do love expensive handyed wools.

Speaking of which I have gained 5 lbs back. I just don't want to go on a diet, but I also just don't want to have this tire around my waist. So I guess I'm going back on Weight Watchers for about the 10th time. I need to find some motivation somewhere. I don't think until I get 5 more lbs. on it will happen though. The battle of the bulge is really constant and completely exhausting.