Melancholy Baby

Back from my Manchester, UK trip for about a week now. It has been hard to adjust for many reasons. First off, I had lots of dating drama that was all of my own doing. I think there was so much expectation on my part. And when you want something to be so perfect, it's almost guaranteed to be a disaster. It still makes me sad, and I wonder if it will ever feel better. Logically I do know that it will be better, and that everything takes time.

Also I am having such an issue with patience and moving over there. Financially I need to wait, but emotionally everything is in UK now. I keep reading that being happy where you are is the only way to be. Otherwise, you are just in a struggle for no reason, but...

I find the emotional parts of dating to be the most difficult to work with in Zen. I've read books: If the Buddha Dated; Sex,Love,Dharma; Be the Person You Want to Find. But when I feel my heart start to be pulled, it's so hard to maintain my mindfulness. My ego takes over. Even as I am with that person, it's still not enough, I don't want our time together to end. Of course it is that desire, that ultimately causing suffering. As everything is impermanent.

And to be honest I'm a very independent, happy to be alone person. I feel crowded if I don't get my alone time, very cranky and restless. It's hard to maintain a balance. I definitely have gotten better about this than I have been in the past. Before I would be absolutely gutted it the person didn't think I was fantastic. And now I guess my self-esteem is not built on their value of me. But it is a bit of a hit on it, sometimes. It is definitely harder to have human relationships, as you are dealing with someone else's will and desires. I know it is worth it and ultimately unavoidable.